World Suicide Prevention Day - My Story | A Musical Story | Sad Songs Save Lives
Today is world suicide prevention day.
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.
Around this time last year, I reached out to someone I considered to be a sister to me.
I was going through a LOT.
I told her that if my life was going to continue to be this painful and heartbreaking, if I was going to keep losing friends, if I was just going to be people's punching bags, if I would never experience true joy again, I didn't want to be here anymore.
I thought I was God's joke.
Everything in my life felt like it was falling to pieces.
Every time I got back up on my feet, someone/something socked me in my face.
I was tired of being the "strong one" or the one people looked over like "Oh, she'll be fine. Alecia's the happy one. She'll get over it."
I was empty. I couldn't bear this pain anymore.
I thought I was in a safe place.
I thought I could share that with her without being judged or pushed aside.
She told me she loved me and I believed her.
Later, I found out that my messages were screenshot and sent around as some sort of joke and to criticize me, make fun of me and even call me "crazy" within our group of friends.
My heart broke again.
And once again, I felt like I didn't want to be here.
I didn't want to live.
So much shame. So much betrayal. So much disgust.
My husband rushed home from work and stayed with me for a few days. I cried. I was angry. I cried some more.
I kept my mouth shut out of fear that I was too much, unlovable when in pain and that I was just some sort of burden.
That’s how I felt my entire life.
I NEVER want anyone to feel the way I felt during that time.
My goal is to make sure that people who are around me, talk to me, confide in me KNOW that they're in a safe place.
Because I didn't have that when I needed that, it is my HONOR to be a safe place for others.
I want to give the love that I didn't get.
If you're struggling with Suicidal thoughts, if you're feeling like you don't want to be here anymore, if you've been mistreated, if you've been heartbroken and abandoned, if you are bone tired, if you feel like you can't go on, I hear you. I see you.
I want to be able to say that tomorrow it won't hurt, but I know that's not true.
I want to tell you that if you hold on a little longer there will be no more pain, but I don't know that to be true.
I know there are days when you don't think you can make it, where you put on a smile even though you feel like crying for the comfort of others.
I just want you to know that it's okay. You're not crazy. You are seen. You are loved. My heart is for you and if I could give you a hug and spend the day with you, I would.
What I will say is never be afraid to reach out for help.
There is no shame in needing an ear, an arm or a shoulder.
Your feelings are valid.
Find a SAFE place to share them. Whether they be a close friend or family member, a hot line or a therapist, be sure to SHARE.
(Hotline: 1 800-273-8255)
It can be so isolating to be alone with your thoughts, and you can begin to feel like you are better off not being here.
We need you.
I know it hurts and it probably doesn't feel like it, but we do.
Let's get through this together. You're not alone.
And if you ever find someone confiding in you, HONOR THEM. It is an honor that they would even reach out to you to share such a heavy heart with you.
You may not know what to do, and sometimes it's super simple.
Do well by them. Just listen to them. Ask them for what they need. Offer to meet up with them. Accompany them if they're nervous about going to counseling.
Do not... DO NOT call them crazy.
Validate their feelings, but by all means, don't disrespectful or disregard their feelings or state of mind.
Do not tell them to simply pray it away or that something is wrong with them or their prayer life if they feel this way (both have happened to me).
I wrote this song during that time.
It felt like the sun would never rise again. It felt like my life was about to be over. It felt like it would be dark forever... And if I'm being honest, sometimes it STILL feels that way.
But I hold onto hope on my darkest days that I will see the Lord's Goodness in the Land of the Living.
It's not easy battling depression. And every person who is depressed is not necessarily suicidal, and every person who is suicidal may not be diagnosed.
I know this post isn't an answer or an end all, be all post. But I hope it can be a beacon of hope for those fighting depression and suicidal thoughts.
You're not alone. I'm here with you.